beautiful day. for building and making magical play items. and working and laughing and sewing.

being a chicken without a head

is hard. but i know that i would much rather panic and work hard for people who also work hard.

in which i discuss my katy perry girl crush.

back in my senior year, i used to watch music videos while getting dressed. and very popular was the cupid's chokehold video. and i wanted to be just like the girl at the end of the video in the hoodie. in a few months, we'd all know that the girl is katy perry. who was a kitschy, beautiful, goofy singer. she kissed a girl and she liked it.

she represents everything i find beautiful about women. she has curves. yes, she is really skinny. i don't say "oh, she's curvy!" and pretend like we have the same body. obviously she is a professional performer who wears ice cream bikini tops. and i am not. she has big eyes. she has dark hair. she wears leotards. if i were a sex symbol, i'd want to be katy perry.

sidenote: actually, this isn't a side note. it's a front note. katy perry has always had incredible nail art. always. always. she has fimo canes on her nails on her one of the boys album cover. she is a nail art icon actually. she sparked the whole minx trend. she has her own nail polish line, including one of the best selling items in recent history: black shatter.

i used to listen to one of the boys everyday when i drove to rv. and now i listen to teenage dream at least once a day. it is the only cd left in my car in nj though the rest have been removed.

so yeah. i have a girl crush on katy perry.

i hope to come back in another life as katy perry.

things i miss:

-alex niedt (she's leaving tomorrow! noo! don't go!)

-missy

-when glee was funny

-being skinny

-being 19

-having money

-etc etc etc

and apparently.

while i was gone, benjamin button made a comeback.

i'd say it's a day pretty well spent.

i got to meet alex's flatmates! and go traipsing around new york with them. we went to david letterman. it's not something i'd soon repeat.

i FINALLY got to see glee shooting in ny. FINALLY. but as it turns out, darren criss left yesterday.

he's such a jet setter.

anyway, even if alex's flatmate got irrationally angry, i was still hella excited!

how is it that

rachel lost all that weight between seasons but finn didn't?

new york is hot.

so hot. i'm sweating. i guess it's time to retire the fringe boots for fringe sandals (IWISHIHADTHESE).

things about today

1. i accidentally hit dismiss instead of snooze, and therefore am missing both of my classes.

2. i'm in new jersey.

3. sometimes, my boob gets tired of holding itself up, that happened. it hurts.

4. i don't have any clean clothes to wear.

5. i'm hungry.

the endddddd.

conflict

it's raining. and it's supposed to thunderstorm for most of the night/ morning tomorrow. and i'm supposed to just leave missy alone?? i feel awful. missy hates le thunderstorms. i don't want to leave later though. should i leave tomorrow morning? idk. idk idk idk idk.

again still (unfortunately) awake from today.

and i am exhausted. and i have zits forming that hurt.

i'm still awake from friday

so this still counts.

go see jerusalem. just go fucking see it now.

you know how people solicit on the street?

not like prostitute. like try to get them to sign something or buy something.

yeah well, i was in herald square earlier and some guy (of african american persuasion, which will matter in a second) while i had my headphones on was like "miss! i have to ask you this question: do you like black people?"

yes.

facts about today.

fact. my toes are now mint green

fact. i painted my nails twice yesterday. and once today.

fact. no one has seen my nail color any of the aforementioned paint jobs.

fact. i did not sleep a lot last night but i did manage to stay awake thus far.

fact. i have to read the author's preface to miss julie.

fact. we have no toilet paper.

fact. these facts are boring.

toilet paper standoff: part II

who will fold? will anyone ask anyone to get toilet paper? will someone go into the bathroom only to discover there is no toilet paper and the people outside the bathroom know and wonder awkwardly how their business went down? will i end up at cvs? will i hold it for days on end?

answers to all these questions and more. but truly, only time will tell.

this story is incoming. check back for details tomorrow.

hey you guys.

glee was good last night. cause it featured plot.

i slept really well last night.

random facts about me today:

1. i slept really well last night.

2. my toes are pink. (the pink nail polish alex gave to me for my birthday last year)

3. i did not read miss julie. i did watch miss julie while sewing leaves and i have read miss julie before.

4. my skin looks really nice right before i put makeup on it.

5. i just read that glee is shooting in ny and also i know that darren criss is at the today show. le sigh.

6. my cold is rearing its ugly head... again.

7. if it rains today, and it will, i am taking the subway.

the end.

i've been thinking a lot about new yorkers.

and how people think of them as unfriendly and self-serving.

mostly, this is true. i can't lie.

but today, i was not an unfriendly new yorker. i was a nice new yorker.

when walking home from school i saw an elderly man trying to jiggle his walker out of the door. but he couldn't do both at the same time. so he'd move the walker a little and take a step. and i opened the door. i mean it seems like a pretty natural thing for someone to do. but he was pretty taken aback that i would do a thing like that. and was very delightfully surprised.

as i was patting myself on the back for helping a stranger. *pat pat* i was thinking. i should smile more. this environment is cool, but it's not the most inspiring of joy. it's pretty gray and smelly and windy and bleak.

i went to cvs to get detergent for mah clothez. and it was way more expensive than i would've guessed. so i went to the food store to check there. it was even more. so finally i decide to check walgreens. where, it was on sale! victory! and i get in line. but the detergent doesn't feel right. and a lady gets on line behind me. and i open the detergent and it seems to have been poured or something. there was definitely less than there should be. so i get out of line to go pick up another of the same kind to test the weight. and i picked up the heavier one. i go back in line and the lady, who didn't speak that much english, offered me my spot back. i declined saying i got out of line, and she said "but i knew you were there."

i let her go first. but the point is the kindness of strangers is always a touching thing. so go be nice to someone. it's definitely easier to be nicer in a smaller place. in new york, people will do anything not to acknowledge each other. homeless man on street? don't make eye contact. strangers on subway? don't get too close. that's a part of the way our culture is. we don't want things to make us feel uncomfortable.

my cuticles are forever in debt to alex niedt.

they are breathtaking. truly beautiful. possibly the only wholly beautiful thing about me right now.

today i saw this.

it states what vitamins are in this particular vitamin water. now, to be frank, i didn't buy this for the vitamins. except maybe the vit c, as my virus has come back in worse strength. as you can see it says there is 120% of your daily vitamin c. 40% of vitamins b3, b5, b6, b12. check mark amount of vitamins a and e. and battery amount of electrolytes.

very scientific stuff guys.

let me complain again

i just remembered what happened between trains today.

when you switch trains at newark it always sucks. esp when pam and jim think it's cute to flirt their way up the stairs while i have three bags one of which is twice my size. so cute that when i get up from behind them, the train left. well, it was leaving. right before our eyes. so i was mad.

but not as mad as bitchface. that shall be her name henceforth. bitchface literally has a group of women around her. strangers and she's like screaming that this always happens and it's bullshit. and the women are encouraging her. AND SHE WON'T SHUT UP. guess the fuck what, bitchface. WE ALL MISSED THE SAME TRAIN. all of us. we wouldn't be on the platform listening to your fucking mouth if we hadn't. but it doesn't end with complaining. it goes onto and i quote: there won't be another train for an hour!

queue all of us looking at monitor which basically says bitchface is full of the same bullshit she's calling on newark penn station. it very clearly says that there are three upcoming trains to new york before the hour is over. to which she replies: we'll see. sometimes they put the track number on the screen and you go there and it's the wrong track.

can we take a second here and ask this question: what profit would newark penn station make by not letting passengers onto their trains? it's not like i miss a train and then i go, oh well, better walk from here instead and throw away my ticket. you're gonna take the ride you paid for. maybe even a ride you didn't pay for ala me every week reusing my ticket.

so then smartass bitchface, when the train finally does come, leads her group of women (who are all strangers) and says: let's ask the conductor. is this train going to new york?

IT SAYS NEW YORK ON THE SIDE OF THE TRAIN. but she has to be a smartass cunt about it. i have no patience for you bitchface. in fact, i was so tired, i almost got incredibly verbal with you.

but instead, i tweeted. that i was gonna have to show her the way new jersey works.

here is something good about the train ride: they didn't collect my ticket in between newark and new york so the next time i go home, i can just buy a ticket to newark for five dollars and make it all the way to somerville.

oh yeah

when i complain i have to say something good about the day and myself.

well, it didn't happen today but i did see alex. and she gave me LEMONY FUCKING FLUTTER. such a win. see previous post if you don't know what this means to me.

and about me: my cuticles are in tip top shape again. fuck yes.

beda fail.

i forgot about beda when i left my computer at school and i went home. but since i blogged 31 (now 32) times in april and it's only april 17th, i'm ok. i went home. and got motion sick. for basically the entire weekend. i should've known better. but it really hasn't been this bad ever. got motion sick again tonight on the train ride/ subway ride home.

but it's a new week. and i have lots of costumes to sew. and oh yeah some schoolwork.

i don't know how i got here.

but i somehow logically got to this place where i'm watching 9/11 specials and clips on youtube.

and bawling my eyes out.

on the plus side, 10 pages left!

FUCK YES

i'm gonna make this quick.

let's get down to business. to defeat. the huns.

i'm sick singing. this is bad.

i've got a play to write.

i really wish they made those popsicles i had as a kid. with flavors like fruit punch, cotton candy, and pink lemonade and they were like somehow softer than normal popsicles. i miss them. their wrappers told you what flavor they were. good ole times.

play. must write play.

wish me luck.

heard from my dorm:

i mean i see girls my age and younger wearing chanel flats and they don't have ten people giving them shit for it!

--he#1 on some girl in her class who "passive-agressively" tries to be friends with her and told her to admit that she's upper class.

i will feel so much better

once i finish this play.

i want a bagel so bad. MUST RETRIEVE BAGEL SOMEHOW.

a new thing.

why, ashley, i've noticed you complain a whole fucking lot.

yes. i do. on my blog.

so i've decided that if i complain about anything, i must also mention one good thing about the day.

i didn't know if i was going to go home today to go to the doctor's. the day started out shitty. like a shitty morning you know is foreshadowing for the rest of the shitty day.

because of benjamin bowtie, i didn't sleep well. i also choked on my own spittle in my sleep. i wake up. and shower and get ready for class. on the way to class, my nose was running. to render this snot ineffective i shot into duane reade in union square. i get some pocket tissue packs, some cough drops. everything is lookin golden. nobody at the checkout. i go to pay. bam. forgot my wallet.

big deal. i don't need no stinkin wallet for dramatic lit. i keep walking on. no tissues to be found. i'm mad that i forgot my wallet cause at this point i had decided to take a train home to see el doctoro. i wanted to go right after class and hop on the A train to penn and so on and so forth. but this would mean i have to go to my room. to get my wallet. so i'm feeling exhausted and defeated. i'm on 13th and 6th when i realize, what in the actual fuck am i gonna do in class? babble incoherently? then walk a mile to get my wallet sit on mutiple trains to get to the doctor?

so i skipped class. and i go back to my room. and nips. has conveniently not answered any of my texts/calls/emails. she was in an all day meeting.

so i had accepted i would see no doctor today and i would sit and watch arrested development until i died of exhaustion. but fortune had other plans. nips called. said i could see the doctor.

we get to the doctor (things happened in between but for the sake of storytelling we're skipping over them. stay with me, people!) and the doctor's office calls nips' cell. to talk to her about bloodwork or some other adult bullshit. and nips is all "oh this is so funny. i'm outside. ashley has an appointment with dr. randawa." and the doctor's office is all "that's impossible. dr. randawa had a family emergency. all her appointments were cancelled."

PAUSE. WHAT THE FUCK UNIVERSE! UNPAUSE

i have to see another doctor. a strange doctor. a doctor i don't wanna see but i'm sick and goddamnit i want some prescription meds. relax, i want an antibiotic.

the nurse who sees me first is the same nurse who took my last strep culture wrong. she is bizarre and i don't like her. she asks me "oh so you're having problems with your throat?" and i answer and she responds "i'm sorry could you speak up?" lady. i'm having throat problems. i've lost my fucking voice. go fuck yourself, hightlights.

anyway, it's not strep. and the doctor says "it's probably just a virus. they've been going around. you could have it for one to two weeks. get rest. drink lots of fluid."

excuse my all caps when i say ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I CAME ALL THE WAY OUT TO THIS FUCKING PLACE TO HEAR YOU SAY WHAT I'D ALREADY BEEN DOING???? go sit on a chainsaw, doctor. honestly. i copayed for that bullshit.

and then i walked in the rain to meet my mom. did i have my umbrella? no. was i wearing a coat? no.

complaints over (not really)

here are some good things: after walking to meet up with nips, i got featha extensions, finalment! also, i got to see missy! this is always a good thing. i love that little furball of fluffy goodness.

in addition to the good things of the day, i'd like to help out my self-esteem, by saying one good thing about myself each day. today: my topknot looked really good on the train ride home. it was hella east village of me.

and my voice is fading.

tell me. should i be mad about it? or happy?

i'm probably going to see nips. so... happy.

in which benjamin bowtie enters and exits our lives.

i go to bed around 12. if my homework is done. as i'm wrapping up the father -- august strindberg, i hear a little shuffle. i'm sitting on my bed. and i look down to where the sound came from. behind my room mate's bed. a mouse. a fucking mouse. and at first, i'm like, you've gotta be fucking kidding me, right? but then i realize there is a mouse in my room. and so much more comes with a mouse being in your room. so i start to yell. my door is closed and i'm not near it but i want to get outta there, quick. "MOUSE! THERE IS A FUCKING MOUSE IN MY ROOM RIGHT NOW!" this scared benjamin bowtie (to be named later). and he ran. he was by my desk chair but he moved to behind my desk. quickly. so i make a run for it. and i jump on he#1's bed. and i'm mad cause i'm sick and i was about to sleep. i'm mad because there's a fucking mouse in my room and there isn't even food on the floor! i'm mad because it came from behind my room mate's bed, and she moved out. while visiting the room next door, cool hipster suggests naming it. at this point, i've made her do everything. i won't go back into my room unless she goes first. she puts out bits of cereal and does mouse calls. anyway, i wanted "some name that sounds like it would wear a bowtie." and i opened my strindberg book, and picked benjamin. benjamin bowtie.

also he#1 before i named it benjamin was like is a girl or boy mouse?

and i was like "boy. cause the little girl mouse is busy reading august stringberg. not scaring the shit out of me."

well, eventually benjamin, following our trail left, my room. ended up right in front of the door where i was sitting on he#1's bed. but i gasped and them he ran under the fridge. he kept popping his head out and everytime i wanted to show them that he existed, he'd hide again. finally. he came from all the way out from under the fridge. i should also mention that at this point cool hipster has two plastic containers with which she plans on catching little ole benny. as she is coming with the containers, he escapes. behind the garbages. and the only way out from there, is the door. i watched very intently to see if he had come back into the apartment, but he didn't. alas, benjamin bowtie. i'm sorry if we scared you. but you scared me for two hours and now i'm even sicker than before and scared to walk on my floor (rhyming couplet, thus the end of the act.)

in which i explain that i am sick.

yesterday, my throat hurt. i thought "ashley, you dumb dumb, you are dehydrated." nips always has diet soda on hand, but my body is used to a buncha water. so i quickly drank lots of water. and continued to drink lots of water. didn't help. then, i thought, well, when something hurts, especially my throat when i'm about to go to sleep, i take something. i decided to take ibruprofen, because that will take down any swelling which may or may not be causing the pain. well, i took it. and no, it didn't help. so i have no clue why my throat hurts but it really hurts. i usually have nips look at it with a flashlight but obviously that action is not possible. i tried looking myself, but all i have it a booklight. and it's not helping.

i do not know what else to do, but i am not very happy about it.

also it's about to be 75 degrees today. i do not want sickness to be like i know how beautiful it is outside but here's some pain. meh.

i hate lugging shit around.

i like very much that i live close enough to home that i can stop by and see missy. i just hate carrying all this shit around. if you could see me stumbling through the train stations, subway cars, and streets of ny you'd understand just exactly how much shit i have to bring back and forth.

i'm grateful to have shit. i just wish i didn't have to carry stuff back and forth.

i am so exhausted. but i wanted to (since i'm still up from saturday... unfortunately) blog about rent. and jessica blogged about crying from being proud. 1/2 the tears are from angel dying, 1/2 the tears were really me being so proud of saadiq. he was really honest up there. he deserves all the glory he wants for being so good in that show. i am so so so proud of him.

rent :o)

anipster thing

i gave her a face scrubbing pad. it's essentially a brillo pad for the face. and she asked me if i had ever used it to remove eye makeup.

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. if you ever think of exfoliating your sensitive under-eye skin i will go to wherever you are committing this crime against your face and kill you promptly.

me in a text to jess: good news! i can blog from my phone.

then i come home to see that post below.

bad news, i can't.

let me reiterate what was in that blog.

today i took the PATH to newark instead of the train.

while in newark penn station, i called nips. to see what time the next train on the rarval line was coming. this is that story.

me: can you go to njtransit.com and tell me when the next train comes?

nips: i can, but it's not that easy. hold on.

me: hello.... hello... HELLO! (ten minutes of this pass. i hang up and call again)

nips: i told you it wasn't that easy. i'm using my mac.

me: this is a reason it would be easier.

nips: ok. what do i do?

me: njtransit.com. what time is the next train coming?

nips: where are you?

me: newark.

nips: you didn't go to information?

me: CAN YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION? WHAT TIME IS THE NEXT TRAIN COMING?

nips: raritan valley line. on time.

me: but what time?

nips: on time.

me: THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED.

nips: i don't know how to do this. what do i do? ok. um ok submit. uhhh 7:24.

why is everything the most painful thing ever with nips?

w e???n?@o7??n?]

w ?? ?~?Ai7(? ????| ??????? ??e7(= ??e???????p? ??A??<M ?A?r??v? ???? ??l2??v?P1 ??v???9? ???)?<,O??n?=?f?? v?]v??n =?.? ?? ?~?@wt? ???

he#1 (sarcastically): i can't wait to take the trash out tomorrow.

THE TRASH IS OVERFLOWING BUT IT'S YOUR FUCKING TRASH YOU IGNORANT BOWLING BALL.

i'm still awake from thursday

so this counts as thursday. i can't miss a day espec when i blog like five times a day.

my play is due in one week: PANIC.

the end.

i'm blogging from a very emotional place:

it's 1am. i'm gonna get my period soon. and it rained and was gross out.

i just want the universe to know what i'm looking for. and why i'm unhappy with it.

i just really don't want to be alone. my whole life i have put this pressure on myself to find someone. ever since i was little i wanted to get married at 18. obviously, i'm 21. but i guess what's truly important to me in this future or nonexistent person are a few key elements.

1. i need someone who will try. because i would rather have someone who tries too hard than someone who pretends to not care.

2. i really value quality time. so with this future/maybe nonexistent person and also with other people.

3. this one is the most important to me. i don't want my aspirations to be more important, and i don't want his aspirations to be more important. i want to help him with his and i want him to help me with mine. a companionship.

because for me, there is no such thing as someone "perfect" for me. or no such thing as people who are perfect for each other. just people who like you enough to work at it.

so universe, i hope this person exists. and if he doesn't, i guess that's ok, too. cause really who do i think i am? how should i know what's best for me?

ps- sorry if this is depressing. i didn't mean for it to be. it's kind of like. well, who knows what life has to offer.

a new thought on hipster ken.

he is so smart. oh wait, a new thought? he also has bible knowledge. good enough for me.

but on a serious note, he's so smart i would never be able to talk to him. i'm the most awkward person on the planet. don't people know this by now?

but, maybe i just am when it comes to men cause i charmed two girls from my playwriting class. making jokes and the like. we had fun. i interacted with two other humans and lived to tell the tale.

put that in your juicebox and suck it, universe.

the reason that popped into my head is because they laughed pretty hard when i told them that whenever i talk to strangers i sound like a pornographic five year old. which is terrible but they knew exactly what i meant. and it popped into my head because alex used to mock my phone voice at hair plus. and when i pulled up to drive thru windows. and nips mocks it, too. told me to open a sex line. know what, nips? i might. at least then i'd make some money.

so i went to the vineyard theater tonight

to see my professor's play. it was really good. know what else was good? the lead actor. yum. so i did some googling. he gets work. i'm not surprised i didn't recognize him. because he was a lead in cloverfield. a movie in which i covered my eyes the entire time. but alex, listen, he was on that show you like about the irish brothers. i think.

he was handsome. and he took off his shirt. and i enjoyed his performance.

more importantly, i had no idea that the vineyard theater was so legit. three shows i had heard of started there. THREE. i mean how many shows have i really heard of before? not that many.

[title of show], how i learned to drive, and most importantly avenue q all got their off-broadway runs in a theater literally two minutes from my dorm.

that's pretty exciting.

you know when you're like

i'm gonna argue with someone about doing something that i should really do, but the amount of time spent arguing the whole situation could have been dealt with if either of us were adult enough to realize that but we're not so let's argue and not solve anyone's problems.

well,

he#1 does.

the rain kicked my butt today.

i didn't have an umbrella. the forecast said it would rain after 12, and i'm usually home by 12. so i didn't buy one on the way to school. unfortunately, upon leaving school, it was pouring. literally buckets upon buckets. i got from 12th to 14th before reaching urban outfitters where i bought an umbrella. i was dripping. all over the store. my face was soaking wet. it was one of those freak spring downpours that lasts for like 10 minutes. i went two blocks. let me clarify, THAT'S NOT EVEN TWO BLOCKS. and it looked like i jumped into a pool.

i buy an umbrella and decide to take the subway which is literally outside of the urban outfitters. by the time i get off the subway, it's regular old raining. so in effect, i could've purchased an umbrella on canal st like i wanted to.

where's my double rainbow, universe?

i now remember what i was going to blog about!

but... unfortunately i cannot properly put it into words (what a awesome writer i must be!). basically, i was sitting, thinking about love and relationships. and i came to the conclusion that a healthy relationship is when two people are the same amount of fond for each other, and there is no problem with it. let me explain this better, in the way that i was thinking.

i told jess not too long ago, that if people didn't have anything keeping them apart, they'd probably never come together. i believe this. par example, par bad example, i should say, when nate and i were dating, in the beginning, he really really liked me, and i was not so sure about him. thus separating us, thus, us coming together. and in the end, i loved him a lot, and he couldn't give a shit about me. i feel like he saw the relationship as the beginning and the end. but i believe the meat of the sandwich was in the middle, when we both liked each other the same. that didn't last. a healthy relationship is when that lasts. does this even make sense?

because the see saw effect of going back and forth isn't what drives a relationship. at least not a healthy relationship.

i am going to re-read this in one week and be really embarrassed that i ever wrote it.

i was totally inspired to blog today at school

and totally forgot what i was meant to blog about right now. so here goes whatever pops up in my head whilst i am typing this.

i have to write a play. an entire play, by april 15th. this is incredibly scary.

today, in my theater theory class, which i usually sit through mouth ajar completely dumbfounded as to what is going on, i understood something. because instead of talking about theoretical philosophies of theatre, my professor put on the friday music video. and then played the clip of jimmy fallen and stephen colbert's cover, and finally, brecht made sense to me. because previously, i believed that these things that he puts on these timelines apply only to themselves. i didn't realize you could have a little of this in a performance and a little of that and you wouldn't have even known that it was there cause it's completely natural for us to see. that probably doesn't make sense. i guess i thought brechtian performances were of their own entity. and there weren't brechtian elements in a naturalistic performance, i don't know why i thought that but i did. i know better.

the class is still incredibly confusing for me, as i never thought about what makes theatre theatre before the class. because mostly i've never seen anything that would have challenged my opinion of what theatre is.

it also doesn't help that my professor is so clearly on team avant garde, so in favor of this style of theatre that he subconsciously degrades the kind of theatre that i like, the realistic or naturalistic.

next up, i ate almost an entire bag of baked chips. i really was so hungry i didn't want to wait for chicken to cook for me to have to eat it. so i'll have it for dinner.

also, i then ate vegetables, to balance it all out.

then, i took a short nap.

now, i have to write a paper, well, edit an already written paper on as you like it. which i don't want to do. i feel like my entire shakespeare class has more advanced thought processing brains than me. so my papers must look like shit when he reads them all together. i have nothing good to say. also, alex, we need to skype more about hamlet, i much prefer your opinions to the douchebag who sits in the back of class. btw he is a douchebag. i can tell. because he's good looking. and he's aware of it. i also saw him on a subway once and i think he couldnt tell how he knew me.

after the paper, the cherry orchard. i'm gonna be honest about this one, i like chekhov. so i'm looking forward to it.

friday is stuck in my head. so the subtext of my typing 'i'm looking forward to it" was actually we we we so excited. we so excited.

yep.

this is a really long and boring blog. but it's beda.

thoughts from places blog.

since moving to new york in january, i can't say i've done anything truly touristy. but when family members ask if they can come in and visit me and "see new york" i won't ever say no. because seeing family is nice, but it also means that they will fill me with food, and probably spending cash. so we began our trip in my dorm. i don't often understand anyone who wants to tour my dorm, because you can see the entire dorm from almost any standing point in the dorm. after eating lunch, we headed to the 4 train, no 5, no 4. we had a little trouble navigating with the many construction sites in subway stations at the moment. i love riding the subway. i love the dirty floors. i love the germy metal poles. i love sitting, watching people. we got off on fulton st. a quick caffine stop and off to-- to-- well, we didn't have much of a plan. we wanted to see ground zero, but there isn't much to see. in fact, what lies in ground zero is construction. lots and lots of construction. i wanted to know where the towers once stood. no one really seemed to know exactly. and by no one, i mean no one in my family. the construction site is nothing to oo and ahh at, the whole point of seeing ground zero is remembering. remembering that two towers once stood and defined the new york city skyline. remembering that on september 11, 2001 two planes were flown into those towers. remembering that people -- lots of people-- died by simply going to work that day. remembering that in that one day, the world changed from one anxious little bubble, to the scariest thing i've ever heard of.

before we went to the overlook at ground zero, we stopped at st. paul's church. a very small church. a church that has some of the oldest graves in america. george washington used to attend services there. to think that a small church with such old and frankly crumbly looking graves still stands while two very powerful buildings filled with thousands of people fell. st. paul's church was a site of rest for firefighters and volunteers who were working through the rubble of those fallen building. they slept on benches and child size cots. in a church that was plastered with notes of encouragement from children all over the country. but now, what we have are memorials. odes to the fallen. it's very interesting that the phrase always attached to 9/11 is "never forget" because i do believe some people have forgotten. it's good that there are these odes, piles of teddy bears sent, a giant banner from students in oklahoma, patches from every fire dept in the country. i remember.

week one gold star chart: over.

i have to edit it and post it, but it's coming soon. jess, who had a really rough week (personally and not star merit wise) will also post hers. super stoked.

dear LUSH costmestics:

please make lemony flutter cheaper. i've tried so many different options but nothing is as good as your cuticle butter. it is actually life changing. my body is going through withdrawals and i'm suffering hardcore without it. but i cannot pay $16. i literally scooped the entire jar clean. i've tried orly cuticle cream. not the same. j.r. watkins lemon cuticle salve. not the same. your formula is magic and i wish i could afford you.

LEMONY FLUTTER CUTICLE BUTTER IS MAGIC. they make it at pigfarts. even rumbleroar loves it. who doesn't want soft paws and the best cuticles this side of the galaxy?

i don't know if my point is truly made, but i just wanted to get that out.

i better blog before the day is out

i can't believe it's almost midnight. i've done nothing today. except i did manage to open he#1's beer bottle without a bottle opener. door jamb! i'm a mother fucking magician.

i just want to eat chocolate chips out of the bag

until my stomach explodes. won't be long now.

ps- i finally ate something, about two hours ago.

BEDA

it's blog everyday of april month. so jess, you should start blogging. today. no day but today, ah oui? also, alex you should be more accessible to the internet for my sake. i'm feeling bossy today.

last night i tried to stay off the internet so that i could properly go to bed early to get up at 7:30 to go to a 9:30 job interview. i wanted to hit the hay around 11:30. i couldn't sleep until 12. then, at 2:30, my room mate enters stage right. and she bangs her shit around and slams her drawers. and when i get up, she says "oh did i wake you?" YES. yes you fucking did. i'm already anxious because of the interview i do not need anything more to raise my blood pressure keeping me from relaxing. but i get it anyway. because she makes phonecalls. she skypes. but she's whispering. because she knows she woke me up. so i can't be mad at her not trying because she did. then, she's typing. and by typing i mean she must've been slamming her hands on her keyboard cause it was so loud. and i was getting riled up by the loud typing and the anxiety and i was so angry. it's nearly 4am when i decide to plug myself into some instrumental music on my iPod but i can still hear her typing, and i've got a fear of choking myself with my headphone wire. but right around 4am, she finally stops typing/talking/moving/slamming doors. and i sleep. until 5am, when she wakes me up again. this time i fall asleep faster because i'm exhausted. but while i'm asleep, she's in every one of my dreams. I CANNOT ESCAPE. i'm basically working off of a decent amount of sleep, but i'm accustomed to at least 7 hours here.

i've come to this conclusion. i would much rather have someone deliberately pissing me off. someone who is spiting me by making phonecalls at 2:30am than have someone who has no idea that maybe the person who is currently asleep would like the stay asleep. someone who has no sympathy, no empathy, no real sense of other. because she would have no idea that i have a job interview that i want to be well rested for. because she would never think to ask me why i'm asleep.

at any rate, my under eye circles look like two curry puffs (i'm also starving right now.)

so yeah, i really didn't want to complain, and i did take half responsibility, saying that it was my anxiety mixed with my anger. i just wanted to state that i'd rather room with a bitch than with someone who has NO CLUE WHATSOEVER that they're being an inconsiderate booger.

also, about the interview, i got there late. i did call. i got lost. when i got there, the owner still had half a head of foils to do before he could talk to me. so i sat and waited for 15 minutes. my actual interview was maybe 2 minutes. i don't know. i probably did not get the job. i don't really care. cause if i was meant to, then i would. i'm ok with this.

i feel very rant-y today. it's probably my low blood sugar. i'm really hungry.