to risk sounding like a dumb little emo girl, i would really appreciate a boyfriend in my life. i'm at this point, where i'm too stressed to think (i definitely can't eat [makes me vomity]). i would really love someone around me who i can just have fun with and not be judged by and i can tell anything to. i would really love someone in my life like that. 

but i don't have that. and i don't know how long i have to wait to get that. which is then only added to the stress of my life. 

i'm freaking out. and i'm lonely. 

ps- it's nothing any of my friends can really help, though they try. and i SO appreciate it. really. seriously. i love them. but i have a whole different love that i really want to give.

*VOM*

i hate having 12 hour anxiety attacks.  especially when they involve vomitting stomach acid and dry heaving. ugh. glad to feel better. not chomping at the bit to eat (no pun intended).

i'm kind of having a giant life-long anxiety attack.

i figured out that i never stop having anxiety attacks, they more just flare up when i need them not to the most. i can have one anytime. sometimes, they have a trigger. sometimes, not. awesome. 

right now i'm thinking of: 

1. math test (i need an 85% or better on)

2. babysitting (not falling asleep while doing so)

3. musical midterm. (i didn't finish it. not even close)

4. rehearsal (and what i've missed during the past two)

5. when i decided to add ANOTHER show to my schedule now (but the new show is better than hot l and vagina combined basically cause it involves children)

6. how i'm breaking out from stress.

7. how i need more sleep.

8. whatever is due tomorrow (what IS due tomorrow....?)

9. how i wish i could skip class

10. knowing i've skipped too many already...

yeah. just a little fun fact about my brain. it thinks of everything at once. : ] it's pretty amazing, no?

this is a picture of me yawning.

this is what i will be doing all day. attractive, right?

my feet are not my biggest fans today...

today went like this:

4:30 -- wake up.

4:35-4:45-- mom distracting me with words...

4:45-5:15-- cover up. (face and body.)

5:20-5:32-- eat cereal and get cassy.

5:32-5:45-- try to explain to tressa how to get to train station.

5:45-6:30-- get bagel/ kristin/karl in the trunk.

6:30-7:30-- drive to new york. while my life was being threatened by driver...

7:30-10:00-- parked at guys and dolls in line (first!) pee several times. eat several times.

10:10-10:20-- FINALLY get tickets i woke up at 4:30 for.

10:21-12:00-- I'm gonna be honest. I don't remember. That's a bad sign.

12:00-- meet up with gloria. (sit around until 1.)

1:00-- decide i'm hungry. head to classy mcdonald's across the street from guys and dolls.

2:00-- obstructed view of stage at guys and dolls.

2:30-- move five seats over. see actors. :D

4:30-5:00-- stage dooring. see oliver pratt, lauren graham, and craig beirko.

5:15-- not even trying to go into carmine's.

5:22-- told we should wait fifteen minutes for table.

6:30-- go and complain about not getting a table yet. i see they never put us on the list. 

7:20-- stuffed full of free (for me) pizza. 

8:07-- train to newark.

8:22-- train to raritan.

9:46-- karl sees he got a ticket.

which brings me here.

10:38pm-- i've shown my mom the pictures. i've put my hair in a ponytail. i've stripped down to leggings and tank top. my feet hate me. my body is begging to go to sleep. i WILL NOT do that term paper. oh no, i will not. not tonight. tonight, i will sleep. i will sleep like i've died for 8 whole hours of beautiful amazing amazing AMAZING sleep. 

so i just realized...

why carina hasn't written a new blog in a while.... because in order to use her laptop she needs my wire. :o) whoops. i forgot. so i'm dumb for continuing to check to see if she wrote a new one...

also, i've decided to post a picture of myself while writing the blog each time i post a new one! so we can see my progress of being tired and beaten down. :o)

big flower ninja headband.

i happen to love the weird things that define my style. and i didn't hear any jokes today because i've already worn this headband. it's my favorite headband of the moment. AND i shaved my legs today. maybe i'm just overly positive because i actually shaved my legs. it's kind of a personal victory. :D

happy good weather and no rehearsal day! <3

mmm turkey chili.

i like turkey. and i like chili. but i LOVE when they're put together in an amazing mixture. my mom also brought home some peeps. which were pink cause she loves me. but they were chicks not bunnies. bunnies pwn chicks. obvi.

sitting here.

thinking about 1,000 different things. my mind is a crazy place. it's like a traffic jam of thoughts but with fast speeding motorcycles going crazy in between the cars, too. it can't calm down. it's loud and crazy and it probably smells like new york city in there. it's not a place i would want to be.

random thought one: what will i do when i leave rv?

random thought two: when will i leave rv?

random thought three: what play am i supposed to be writing right now?

random thought four: will i do ok with grades this semester?

random thought five: where will i get the money to go to ny on wednesday?

random thought six: why did hhs make their staged raked for west side story?

random thought seven: i really want shoes.

random thought eight: i feel obsese but i will not work out.

random thought nine: will my dog sleep well tonight in my bed?

random thought ten: how can i effectively explain to my professors that i want to cry in their class and that i feel like an epic fail in school.

random thought eleven: is there more for me than theater?

random thought twelve: how did those dancers keep the bottles on their heads in fiddler on the roof?

random thought thirteen: my fingers are cold.

random thought fourteen: how can i balance everything that's going on?

random thought fifteen: what causes car sickness in a person? can i get rid of it?

times that by a million. welcome to my head. population: 15,000,001. 

i see many grims in my massively oversized glasses.

so. my hands are crippled with 6 rings. my wrists are lifting 19 bangles to type each word. i'm wearing my great aunt's scarf as a headband. my hair is three times its normal size. it must be harry potter night!! 

alas, it is. harry potter party night was a ton of fun, but moreso a ton of food. i'm pretty sure heather and amanda have just been locked away cooking for 24 hours before the party began. no one left hungry, that's for sure.

and as someone obsessed with clothes i must say i was quite impressed with many.

special shoutout to the most amazing shoes i've seen in a while. (which are apparently nine west).

additionally, carina remained awesome throughout the day since i posted those two blogs outlining our awesomeness. 

oh, and for those of you who didn't show up, poo to you. it was fun. i predicted many deaths via butterbeer. and you weren't there to witness.

there was also some backstreet lip syncing i'm probably happy you didn't witness. 

to sum up, the night was enjoyable without getting too epically dramatic and tragic. i have a food baby. and i love my friends. 

ps- it's cold out. did you know that? cause i do.

oh and also...

we are awesome. <3

purple purple purple.

carina and i are in the library-- being awesome. and we are mentally preparing for the harry potter party-- which will be awesome. and we're just being epic and awesome and the opposite of lame-asses. i hope she enjoys this random blog. <3

i'm a little more than useless.

Today is the only day I do not have to go to the Welpe, so naturally, I have to wake up at 7am to work. I'm not complaining. I need this money. I just wish my spring break were actually a break. Especially since the days I did go to the Welpe were spent doing not much of anything on my part. That's mostly my fault. But still, it doesn't matter what I pick out or try (Carina can attest) Danielle will most likely go and pick something out herself and that is what we will end up using. So I feel completely useless. COMPLETELY. 

I haven't actually figured out my place in this show. Not one thing that I have picked is being used. Not one idea that I have will be used either. So I guess at this point I'm just keeping track of the clothes (which the actors could handle on their own). 

Maybe I'm just super stressed out about nothing. And that's why I needed to vent. And that's why I have a blog. To vent. So here is my vent. 

that extra half an inch.

i love snow. it's cold. it's precipitation. it's epic. i don't even have school tomorrow, but i hope school is cancelled for those who wish it so. i will be at home working on my math grade. working on my patience (moms will be home). working on my sanity. same old. same old. 

speaking of snow days. remember the good ole days? when snow days were the most exciting moments of our school year? in middle school, i once had two in a row. TWO. usually school boards prefer to keep snow days singular. school boards = lame. 

i'm going to get a head start on my math grade, i'm doing actual work. *gasp* i know. it's crazy. 

ps- someone put this crazy new program on my computer called google chrome, which is basically internet explorer but better and faster and i'm in love with it already. <3