i've also decided.

that i want some real kick ass love. i mean everything around us is crumbling, life or death, unrequited love since i was five, infected wounds, beautiful singing voice, hunting other people, tricking the authority hunger games love. i can't believe i ever believed in twilight love, because the hunger games really blow my romantical mind.

i've decided.

i'm not a very good gift giver. i think that it's because i can't remove myself from the gift itself. but should i? i always followed a personal rule that gifts should not only reflect the giftee but the giver. which is why for years and years people got a lot of journals from me. last year, nail polish. this year, i'm desperately trying to make sure i'm not so egocentric. i still think the gift is a reflection upon me, so they can't suck. or should they? food for thought. well, snack for thought.

as if constant anxiety wasn't enough

adding to my perpetual fear of never finding anyone to be with for the rest of my life, i now realize that even if i found someone, they're bound to hate my family. or let me phrase this correctly, my family will act the way they did today and this fictional boyfriend will pass up on the next holiday dinner--- to get teeth pulled. seriously, family, get yourself together. and if you don't believe me, let's take a little looksie into a conversation we had tonight, shall we?

this scene is to be acted out with the melodrama and fake blonde hair of a spanish soap opera. it will star my brother's girlfriend, let's call her L and my mom, let's call her N.

L: (is playing angry birds on her cell phone) well, we decided we're getting married in three places. once in columbia with all my family there, once in jamaica for jay's family. and a brunch here so your grandmother can come. you're invited to all three. so you can go to all or just one if you want.

N: well, no offense L but columbia kind of scares me. so i don't know which one i'll go to.

ME: i'll go to whichever one the airfare is cheaper for.

L: well, N, it's up to you, but columbia is beautiful and if you want to remain ignorant that's your own choice.

N: i'm sure that you could understand what with everything they put on the news...

L: they only want to play negative stories, your son went, he felt safe the whole time, right?

My brother: ...um... no, not always.

L: now you're just making that up. You didn't feel completely safe??

My Brother: not all the time.

L: it's the same as jamaica.

N: kingston, jamaica.

It should be noted that my brother's family is from Jamaica, the incredibly rich part of jamaica-- and not kingston

This is an entirely different tangent. I just wanted to say that everyone I know is fucking crazy. The end.

in which ashley rants about retail.

dear every woman over 30 who is asking my opinion:

as soon as you say you're wearing this fancy gown with patent leather black heels, i immediately regret ever helping you. i will take that commission, but at what cost? The cost of knowing that if I were at this wedding and you were a stranger, i would tweet the whole night about your ugly shoes. No matter how pretty your dress is-- actually especially if your dress is pretty--all the more reason. Secondly, why does every woman say "This dress is black, which is really perfect because I have a pair of black heels at home." Your dress is black. Black. You could literally wear any color of shoe ever made, but you're going to go with black.

Love,

Me

ps- you always use this phrase while you're talking about your future ensemble that really grinds my gears. "i can get away with it right?" why would anyone want to just be able to "get away" with an outfit. why wouldn't you want to look chic or cute or beautiful or sexy. you only get so many years to live and look your best, and you're going to your nephew's wedding in a navy blue dress sucked all up by your spanx with black patent leather shoes because the embellishments on the navy dress are dark navy which is close enough to black, right. you can get away with it, right?

that is all. i promise less shallow posts to come.

i want to throw a drink in your face.

well, not really. but i've always really wanted to have a reason to toss my drink into someone's face. it's actually on my bucket list. which sounds dumb. but think about it: you're throwing a drink in someone's face. they probably offended you. maybe they insulted you. maybe they came onto you. maybe both. in this hypothetical situation, it's an alcoholic drink, so you know that will sting. plus, in my hypothetical situation, i haven't purchased the drink i'm tossing. i wouldn't waste my money on a slob/bitch/jerk like you anyway. just sayin'

so i've given it a lot of thought. i will throw a drink in someone's face. hopefully i won't do it prematurely, because now that i'm set on it, my drink tossing hand is twitching with anticipation.

on a more serious note: read the hunger games. i'm guessing the only person who will read this entry is already reading the hunger games, but if you stumble upon this blog in a google search for throwing drinks in someone's face, read the hunger games by suzanne collins.